Integral Androgynous
by Digital Native
Summary: When a dream you carry is beyond your grasp, what is left? When Ruka is struck with this question, Mayuri tries to guide him through his melancholia. Over time, Ruka begins to wonder if the answer lies in the connection the two of them hold. A Ruka x Mayuri story, complete as of 2/20/2016.
1. Prologue

Sometimes I wonder why I was born this way. Was it some twisted fate that I ended up like this? I never fit in with anybody at school. I am tall, yet slender, with a feminine face and body. I have the mannerisms of a shy and feminine girl.

" _But he's a guy"_

I've never been accepted by anyone. The boys picked on me for being weak and feeble, and never stopped teasing me. The girls hated me for being prettier than most of them, and the ones who were prettier than me still laughed at me for not being the "Ideal Image" of a boyfriend. Everyone else who didn't act like that didn't care about me at all.

I thought I would spend my days in loneliness.

But when I met _her,_ that changed for me.

* * *

AD 2008.10.15 13:30:00:50

"Oh, geez; I'll never understand these problems."

I looked from my desk to my classmate who sits next to me. She introduced herself as Mayuri Shiina. Most of the class liked her, but she wasn't exactly the most popular girl in school. She was known to not have good grades, though.

Maybe I was trying luck, but I decided to talk to her.

"Um, a-are you having trouble with that?" I stuttered.

"Yeah, I just don't get math. It's so difficult for me." she mused.

"I-I could help you, i-if you would like." I suggested.

"Really? Thanks!"

She was trying to do some of the word problems on our handouts. I'm not the best at those kinds of problems, but I was still able to help her. I continued showing her how to answer the problems for the rest of class until the bell rang. Next period started, and Mayuri and I focused until the bell rang for the end of the school day. I was almost out of the door, when a person whose voice I would forever remember spoke.

"Hey, could you come over here for a minute?" Mayuri called.

"Um, s-sure." I replied, and walked over to her.

"I forgot to ask you, what is your name?" she asked.

"R-Ruka Urushibara." I said.

"Okay, my name is Mayuri, but you can call me Mayushii."

"O-okay." I stuttered.

"Well, see you tomorrow, Ruka!"

Surely this isn't real, right? Me, having a friend? Maybe it was just because she didn't notice my appearance. That's what I thought at the time.

* * *

The next day began, and I walked from the shrine to school. When I got there, I saw that Mayuri had been waiting for me in the hallway. I tried to see if there was another way around, but there were no fast ways around the hallway. Nervously, I walked up to Mayuri.

"Hi Ruka! Tutturu~"

I couldn't live like this. Eventually she's going to find out about me, and try to avoid me.

"Mayuri, I-I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be friends." I said

"Huh? Why not?" She asked.

"Y-you see, no one likes a feminine boy l-like me." I said.

"I think Ruka should be more self-confident!" She exclaimed.

"H-huh?" I said, confused.

The bell rang, and Mayuri left for class. Before she entered, she smiled and said this:

"Ruka is Ruka! If you weren't Ruka, you wouldn't be special."

* * *

We would talk to each other on regular basis, and eventually, we became friends. I never thought that day that anybody besides my family would like me for what I really was. For once, I was really happy to go to school. Over our Junior High years, we drew closer, and we would even go to each other's houses. Eventually, I met Rintarou Okabe, who refers to himself as Hououin Kyouma, who also accepted me for who I was.

While I do wish a lot that I was a girl, sometimes I wonder if I was born a guy for a reason.


	2. Gender Confusion

AD 2010.12.27 16:30:25:60

Divergence 1.048596%, Steins;Gate World line

"I refuse!"

Kyouma and Kurisu were arguing as usual at the Future Gadget lab. She was trying to get Okabe to wear a suit for their Christmas date. I'm not exactly sure how they got together, but Mayuri and Daru would talk about how they were meant for each other. Daru was on the computer, and Mayuri was busy getting ready for Comima coming up tomorrow. She desperately wanted me to go, having a costume ready for me and everything, but I couldn't bring myself to wear it. Besides, I don't think that Comima permits cross-dressing cosplay.

"The great Hououin Kyouma does not wear anything but the uniform of a mad scientist!" He proclaimed.

"If you want to even think of bringing me on a date, you will wear the suit I bought for you!" Kurisu demanded.

"Oh, I see; the great Hououin Kyouma's fierce aura shakes your very core so much that you can't stand to look at my-"

"-If you don't want to go on this date, then fine. You were the who suggested it." Kurisu stated.

"Tch. Fine." Okabe grudgingly submitted, taking the suit.

It took Okabe several minutes to dress himself, and he came out looking like a gentlemen (With messy hair, though).

"See? That is how to dress like a civilized person." Kurisu said, satisfied.

The suit that Kurisu picked out was certainly stunning. It had a blue button up shirt and red tie, with grey pants and suit. He looked really amazing, and so...

...familiar...

" _I-I want you to be my boyfriend!" "She's... a girl?" "Fine, I'll be your boyfriend for a day" "Your so intelligent, Kyouma."Thanks for taking me on a date, it was really.. nice."_

" _Had I known I wouldn't remember being with you, I would never have wanted to become a girl!"_

Those... weren't dreams, were they? I thought that they were, but as my mind slowly analyzed them, they seemed more than that. They felt so real. One time when I was at the lab, Okabe heard Faris talking about him being her prince, to which he asked if Faris remembered if those events were from a different time. Though that wasn't the case with her, Okabe did mention remembering past events; is this what's happening to me? If that was the case, then all of my dreams did happen. Which meant I was once a girl.

And I... actually went on a date with Okabe...

"Urushibara, are you okay?"

I was on my knees, holding my head in my hand. Kurisu helped me back up.

"What happened? You just collapsed out of nowhere." Kurisu asked.

"I'm fine, I just... felt bad from something." I dodged

"Was it Kurisu's cooking?" Daru said, sneering behind the monitor.

"I'll have you know that my cooking is fine!" Kurisu fumed.

"Well, no one was saying it, so I decided to tell the truth, before we all perished," Daru said.

Daru and Kurisu continued arguing, and I tried to process what just occurred. I was once a true girl, and I actually dated Okabe? If that did happen, then he may have actually dated me if Mayuri didn't have to be saved. All these feelings that I had for him, no, that I still do have for him...

...Will never be mutual, not like the way things could have been.

* * *

About 17:30, Mayuri came to the lab with a costume in hand. She looked as if she would explode in cheer.

"I can't wait for Comima! I'm so excited!" Mayuri cheered, "It's a shame you can't go with us, Ruka."

She noticed that I was sitting gloomily on the couch.

"Ruka, what's wrong?" Mayuri asked.

"I-it's nothing," I dodged.

She put down the costume on the table and sat down next to me.

"Ruka, you can talk to me about anything," Mayuri reassured.

I looked down at my chest. A boy, and a very feminine one. How many times have I looked at myself and felt bad about my appearance? I always felt bad about being a boy, but now more than anything it hurt me. Briefly, options that were out of what I considered acceptable flooded my mind. I could never change my gender now; I would be a bigger outcast than I was before. And Okabe is already dating Kurisu, so no matter what I did, it was all meaningless. When I heard about the D-mail, I thought that my one wish had finally come true. But I couldn't risk Mayuri's life just for that. I was truly bound by fate itself.

"Mayuri, I don't think you can help me with this problem," I moped.

She looked at my expression, and could tell what was bothering me. She's been able to deduce what was wrong with me for some time now. Sometimes I'm surprised about how much she can figure out just from my look.

"Are you feeling nervous about being a boy?" She guessed.

"It's not just that, Mayuri, I... d-don't feel comfortable about being a boy anymore." I confessed.

"Ruka, You shouldn't worry about things like that, you are fine just the way you are." she said.

She's always tried to make me feel better about being a guy, and for a while it helped, but now Mayuri's encouragement couldn't make me feel better.

"I-I guess you're right," I lied. "I-It's about time I leave."

I stood up from the couch, and hurried over to the door.

"I'm off." I said.

"Okay, see you later, Ruka." Mayuri replied.

On the walk to the shrine, I was caught up in my negative thoughts that plagued me. I couldn't get them out of my head anymore. Why couldn't I have been a girl? I know that my friends have accepted that I'm a feminine boy, and to them I am very grateful.

But I won't ever be able to love Okabe, not like I could have when I was a girl.


	3. Operation: Baldr - Part 1

"Do you Okabe Rintarou-"

"Hououin Kyouma."

"Whatever, 'Hououin Kyouma.'"

I watched as the wedding began. Normally, such things are a wonderful thing, especially now. Everyone was here; Mayuri, Daru (The first man), and even Faris. Happiness was in the air, but I was uneasy. Namely because...

"Do you take _Makise Kurisu_ to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

...I wasn't the one being wedded.

"I promise to the fierce men who fought at Ragna-"

"Spare the speech."

"Fine, I do."

"And you, Makise Kurisu, do you take Okabe Rintarou to be your lawfully wedded Husband?"

"I do."

"The by the power vested in me by the book "How to be the first man of a couple's wedding," I pronounce you Mad Scientist and Neurologist; You may examine the bride."

Okabe leaned in forward, and Makise stood on her toes, and pulled Okabe to her face. Gently, and gracefully, the two kissed, and everyone clapped with the exception of me. I couldn't explain what went through me seeing that kiss. I was happy to see Kyouma be happy, but I felt bad seeing him kiss someone else. I could feel my self-esteem curling up in the farthest corner of my mind.

 _Riiiiiiing!_

* * *

AD 2010.12.28 08:30:07:17

"Uuuugh,"

A loud sound entered my ears and shattered my dream. My phone was vibrating incessantly, causing it to make more noise against the wooden table. I grudgingly got out of bed to see who was calling me. The caller ID read "Mayuri."

"Hello? Mayuri?" I said

"Hello, Ruka! I can't talk much right now, but I need you too come to the lab," She insisted.

"The lab? What's going on at the lab?" I asked, confused.

"Just make sure you come. Oh, and happy late Christmas! Tutturu~."

 _KSH_

Wait, what? Something's going on at the lab? Was it a surprise Christmas party? In any case, I got my clothes on, and hurried over.

* * *

When I got here, I expected something strange, but nothing like this. Mayuri, Faris, and even Kurisu were in cosplay. Daru was eagerly watching (much to Kurisu's dismay), and Okabe was standing, trying to encourage them, but Kurisu kept smart mouthing him. Am I still dreaming?

"Welcome, Ruka!" Mayuri greeted.

"Um, Mayuri, where am I?" I questioned.

"Oh, don't worry, you're in the lab! But that reminds me, I need to get you something." Mayuri said, and picked up a cosplay. It was Kirari from Rai-net; The pink costume that she prepared for me that I just can't let myself wear. She's going to try one more time. I tried to go around to the exit, but Mayuri blocked the enterance.

"Mayushii won't take no for an answer, Ruka!" She said, with a smile that petrified my very core.

She pushed me into the dressing room for the second time.

"First we need to get this off," she said, reaching for my shirt.

"N-no, Mayuri, please stop!" I pleaded.

"Come on, you'll look beautiful!" she said, and took off my shirt.

If I didn't submit, I would be even more humiliated.

"All right, I'll put it on, just please let me put it on alone!" I begged.

I could almost feel the shame dressing my entire body as I put on the outfit. This is the second time that I had been forced to wear this costume. I don't get what Mayuri is trying to do by making me wear this again, unless – wait, hold on; she's trying to make me go to Comima?!

"Aaand, finished!" Mayuri announced, revealing my desecrated self.

I could feel the stares from all the people penetrating me, scanning me, judging me. It felt like I was being choked by all the attention. I felt like I've been turned inside out.

"Alright, let's begin Operation: Balding!" Mayuri declared.

"B-balding?!" I panicked.

"It's Operation: Baldr, Mayuri," Okabe interjected.

I felt slight relief at Okabe's words, but that still left me confused.

"What is Operation: Baldr?" I asked.

"Operation Baldr is our invasion of Comima! We shall conquer the website of Comima with our impressive cosplays, courtesy of Mayuri, and make ourselves the rulers of the anime public! Fuwahahahaha!"

No, no, this could't be happening. This wasn't real; this was a nightmare! Wait, that's it; I was still dreaming. Come on, wake up me!

"If you're done pinching yourself, we need to get going, meow!" Faris said.

"Alright! Commencing Operation: Baldr!"

* * *

I was a insanely nervous walking through the streets of Akihabara. The stares kept me on edge through the entire walk. I don't understand what Okabe would want to accomplish making me go to Comima; He didn't seem to have an opinion one way or another before. I desperately wanted to run, I was almost ready to run as far as possible from home. Eventually, we got to the towering main entrance which had a few people at the line.

"Well, we're almost her, Ruka!" Mayuri cheered.

"I-I'm not sure If I can do this, Mayuri," I sheepishly said.

"Don't worry, you'll definitely get lots of pictures." Mayuri encouraged

"Pictures?!" I freaked out.

"Yeah, Many people will want to take pictures of you! You look so much like Kirari!" Mayuri said.

"I-I can't do this!" I said, and ran as far away from Big Sight as I could.

"Wait, Urushibara! Hold on!" Kurisu yelled.

I didn't listen. I ran as far away from Comima as I could. No one would stop looking at me. At least these people wouldn't get a photo of me. I ran and ran and ran with no sense of direction, until I came to the Yanagibayashi Shrine. I immediately hurried to my room, and put my face on my pillow, and wept. I thought that when Mayuri put on that costume, that would be my most embarassing moment, but now this has become too much.

* * *

I stayed in my room for a while, laying on the bed, just staring at the ceiling. At some point, someone knocked on the door. "May I come in?" My dad's voice said. "Okay," I said, moping. There was no place for me to put Mayuri's cosplay, so I was still wearing it. At this point, it didn't matter to me. The door slowly creaked open.

"I take it that is Mayuri's cosplay that she made for you?" He asked.

"Y-yeah. She wanted me to Comima in it, but... I just couldn't do it." I admitted.

My father sat next to me on the bed.

"You know, we don't think of you any less for being a boy. You know that right?" He said.

"Y-yes, but sometimes I question myself," I say, "Sometimes, I think you would still feel better if you had another daughter, l-like my older sister."

"Ruka, you don't need to be like Yutsuko. In fact, when she heard she was getting a brother, she was very happy."

Yes, I still remember those times I had with my sister. She loved to dress me up in girly outfits, sometimes even showcasing me to her friends.

" _How about this, Ruka? I think this would look good on you!"_

" _Yutsuko, stop! I-I'm a guy, not a girl!"_

" _So? That only makes it better. I didn't want another sister, I wanted a brother I could dress up!"_

Even when she moved out of the shrine, she left miko robes and a casual outfit for me to wear. Though I wouldn't admit it, while she picked at my pride as a guy, she made me feel a little better about myself, twisted as it may have seemed.

"If anything, your friend sort of reminds me of Yutsuko." My dad noted.

My father stood up from the bed, and made his way to the door.

"Just know that we wouldn't change any part of you for the world."

"Th-thank you, father." I said.

With that, he closed the door.

Mayuri does remind me a lot of Yutsuko in her acceptance of my feminine form. Mayuri tried to get me to dress in really feminine clothing, while acknowledging I was a boy. She was always eager to put me into cosplay. It would've been a great thing for her if I had gone to Comima with her, but I was too scared to do that, and frankly, I'm scared to do it now. Even so, I feel bad letting her efforts go to waste. She always found happiness seeing me in cosplay, and being close friends, she was very important to me. I thought that maybe I should try and go with the Future Gadget Lab, and take part in Operation: Baldr. At least Mayuri would be happy. Still, all those people staring at me and taking pictures...

" _I think Ruka should be more self-confident!"_

I clenched my shaking hand, and got up from bed. I knew what I would be doing, and it already made me want to run to the hills, but I set my mind to it. If going to Comima in her cosplay will make Mayuri happy, then I'll do it.


	4. Operation: Baldr - Part 2

AD 2010.12.29 08:15:35:78

I was pretty sure at the time of my decision, but now I began to have doubts.

I stood in front of the door of the Future Gadget Laboratory. Though it was difficult for me, I walked here in the Kirari costume. If I said that I would do it, then I would make Mayuri happy, and Okabe will have succeeded in his unorthodox plan. If I turned back now, then I could save myself from being humiliated in front of thousands of people. Gulping down my fear, I knocked on the vault-like door in front of me.

"I'll get it!" Mayuri chimed.

Quickly, I checked myself to see if anything was out of place and straightened my hair. A few seconds later, the door made an unlocking noise. The door opened, and revealed a surprised Mayuri. Her face quickly turned to joy, and she hugged me tightly.

"Ruka! You're actually wearing my cosplay on your own!" She cheered.

"Ma-Mayuri, please calm down!" I begged.

"Don't try to break the poor thing, Mayuri," Okabe said.

Eventually, she let go of me so I could come in.

"So, did you come to go with us to Comima?" Mayuri asked.

"Mayuri, I don't think that he is here for that. He might be returning the costume," Okabe said.

"That doesn't make sense, considering he doesn't bring a spare change of clothes," Kurisu said.

"Unless he came to let himself be undressed by Mayuri so that sh-"

"-Save us your perverted dreams, Daru," Kurisu interrupted.

"In any case, we still don't know why he's here," Okabe said.

I mustered my courage, and spoke.

"M-Mayuri is r-right; I-I came to go with the Future Gadget Lab to Comima!"

It was silent for a few seconds, and then Mayuri broke the silence.

"Hooray! Ruka is coming to us for Comima!" She cheered.

"This is definitely unprecedented. He was always against cosplaying, especially in public," Kurisu stated.

"Yeah, I'm still wondering about that myself. I didn't think he would actually join us. Nevertheless, we shall restart the mission!" Okabe exclaimed.

"Commencing Operation: Baldr, Second Phase!"

* * *

This was the second time I've seen Big Sight, the building where Comima is held. The first time i came here, my nervousness made me scurry away, but this time, I was determined to stay with Mayuri. Eventually, we got to the registration table.

"You are already signed up," the man at the table said.

"We require one more pass for our cosplay friend," Okabe demanded.

"Alright, just sign in the information here," he said.

I filled out the registration card, but hesitated once it got to the two check boxes: "male or female?" Nervously, I checked "Male," and handed it to the man.

"Thank you for signi-" he stopped mid sentence. He gave a careful examination from top to bottom. He had a strict expression on his face.

"Are you truly male?" he asked.

I can't do this. If I stay I'm gonna get apprehended by security!

"I-I..." I hesitated.

"Yes, he is a guy, and he is the cutest guy that anyone will ever see!" Mayuri proclaimed.

He sat back in his chair, and began to ponder.

"Well, the Comima rules state that _technically_ cross-dressing cosplay is accepted, but security had stated that I should prevent crossplayers from going in," he said.

He gave me another glance, then sighed.

"I suppose security wouldn't notice," he decided, "Here is your badge, and make sure to have fun at Comima."

I breathed a sigh of relief

"Th-thank you," I said.

With that, we made our way into Comima, and prepared ourselves for the all the insanity that the convention had to offer.

* * *

We had split up into 3 groups: Okabe and Kurisu, Faris and Daru, and Mayuri and I. Okabe told us to separate among these groups to "expand our presence to all corners of Comima." I'm not sure about the others, but I think Mayuri and I had the biggest audience. Everyone kept staring intensively at me from all directions. All that attention felt even more embarrassing than the times the lab members saw me in my costume, but it was a lot better than when I ran away in the streets of Akihabara. A lot of them asked for pictures of me, and Mayuri said it was fine (she didn't really ask me for my consent, but I just went with it). A few people who loved the costume would ask me if I made it, and Mayuri would step in at that point. It felt really unnerving most of the time, but seeing Mayuri happy made it worthwhile for me to be here. It's pretty much what gave me the courage to brave on. It made me forget the issues that clung to my mind the last few days, and push them aside.

After walking around for what felt like hours, Mayuri and I sat on a bench.

"Waah, Mayushii's exhausted!" Mayuri breathed out.

"Tell me about it," I responded.

"I need a month-long break after this. Preparing Kurisu's costume, Faris's costume, and studying for my exams were all really tiring," She said.

She did do all of that in such a short time frame? I know she likes going to Comima, but that is an awful lot of work to do for one convention, let alone for a strange cause that Okabe created out of nowhere. I'm amazed at Mayuri's devotion.

"I am really amazed, Mayuri, doing this all for Kyouma," I stated.

"Huh? What do you mean?" She replied, confused.

"I mean Operation Baldr. Even though Kyouma's idea was pretty demanding of you, you still made it possible."

"Actually, to tell you the truth, Operation Baldr wasn't Okarin's idea," She denied.

"I-It wasn't?" I asked.

"It was Mayushii's idea; Okarin just gave it a nice name," Mayuri admitted.

"W-why? Why have Kyouma cover it up?" I asked.

Her gaze moved down to her lap.

"Well, to be honest, I did this for you, Ruka," Mayuri explained.

What? She did this for me?

"You seemed so down yesterday when you said you didn't feel comfortable about being a boy. Even though you said it was fine, Mayushii could still see that you were sad. I didn't want you to feel depressed, so Mayushii planned all this so that you could feel happy again. It was actually really easy; I just asked for the costumes Kaeda and Fubuki had as spares to put on Kurisu and Faris."

"I-I don't understand. What were you h-hoping to do?" I sheepishly asked.

She started to move herself closer to me. I could see her hand moving closer to mine. What is she doing?

"Because, Ruka, you are you. If you weren't Ruka, you wouldn't be special," she reminded.

She moved her hand over mine, and clasped it lightly, still not looking at me. I could already feel my heart racing.

"And... Mayushii wants you to feel happy about being you," Mayuri said.

I could feel my face starting to blush. The first time I felt like this, the first time I felt genuinely accepted was when Okabe had saved me from those photographers. It made me feel wanted and cared about, and it gave me feelings of love for him.

I feel so stupid.

The truth is, someone had already accepted me for who I really was and cared about me. Someone who, no matter what, always accompanied me, treated me fairly, and tried to boost my confidence. I always used to think that that person was Okabe, but now I realize he wasn't the only one.

Mayuri cared about me from the start.

"Do you feel better?" Mayuri asked.

I desperately tried to calm down. Mayuri is my best friend; it's okay to hold hands. There's no reason to get all nervous.

"Y-yeah," I said as I brought myself back to my senses, "I feel better now."

She stood up from the bench and let go of my hand.

"Okay, well, we still have more places to see! Mayushii wants to show you her favorite doujinshi stand!" she happily said.

Slowly I stood up, and followed her through the sea of people. For a while, I felt even more nervous than when I walked in. Except this time, it wasn't the attention that had me on edge. The scene on the bench stuck to my mind like a magnet, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept telling myself that Mayuri is a close friend, and it's normal to clasp hands. Nevertheless, I calmed myself down, and slowly began to enjoy myself as I followed Mayuri. Flashing back, I thought of our days in middle school, where she broke my stagnant depression and comforted me in times of need all the way to high school.

I was thankful that I had a caring person that appreciated and accepted me despite my insecurities.


	5. Internal Conflict

AD 2010.12.31 18:37:12:01

"Ruka, check this out!"

I was sitting on the couch drinking some Dr. Pepper, when Mayuri had called me over. Curious, I walked over to the computer to see what she was talking about. Apparently, she searched up "Comima December 2010 cosplay," and among those amazing cosplayers, I had come up as a result in the images.

"Th-they posted that online?" I asked.

"Yep. Along with that, there is an article or two about you! They praised you for your realistic portrayal of Kirari despite being a guy," Mayuri stated.

Surely I can't be that famous, right? I looked at the article that she pulled up, and while the majority were positive, there were some hate comments focused on me. Like I said, Cross-dressing cosplay is considered taboo here.

"O-others would d-disagrees for the same reason," I stuttered.

"It's okay, Ruka. Those people are mean about a lot of things. Besides, we don't care if your a guy," Mayuri reassured.

"Umm, th-thank you," I muttered.

Comima was oddly fun, but afterwards, my feelings shifted to the really strange ones I had when I was with Mayuri on the bench. She had been on my mind constantly, and I kept trying to figure out why I felt really weird around Mayuri. Eventually, I decided to put it out of my mind. We were close friends, so there wasn't any reason why such a scene would be abnormal.

"I wonder why Kurisu isn't coming up as a result," Mayuri thought aloud.

"That's because Celeb 17 thought she was too important for the photographers," Okabe sneered.

"Sh-shut up! I didn't want people to take pictures of me, that's all!" Kurisu denied.

"Oh, sure. But I believe that you were trying to dodge the press so that your beautiful reputation wouldn't be tarnished!" Okabe announced.

"Look who's talking! You were running away from every photographer you saw!" Kurisu rebuked.

"I'm on the run from The Organization! I can't let the press know who I am!" Okabe denied.

"Oh, look at this; There are reports of a strange person in a lab coat running around in a suspicious behavior," Kurisu taunted.

"What!?" Okabe said in disbelief.

While they further debated, I sat back on the couch. I was really glad that Comima was over. Even so, despite it being really strange and awkward at first, in a way, it was kind of fun.

I set my Dr. Pepper on the table. To be honest, Dr. Pepper isn't my favorite drink in the world. I usually try to get a softer drink if I can, but I settle with whatever anyone gives me. Though, I ask for a Dr. Pepper since Okabe liked it, and eventually I aquired a taste for it. My taste for it hasdremained, just like my feelings for Okabe. Even so, ever since he said he was dating Kurisu a few months ago, thinking about him had only brought me pain. It made awful for not trying to tell him I cared about him earlier, even if a relationship was still impossible. That awful feeling doubled when those memories of me showed me what I thought was impossible. In those memories, I pursued a relationship with him, and for once, I could express my love for him. Despite my dream coming true, I decided to give it all up so that Mayuri would live, and now she helped me get used to my unfortunate circumstances. It sort of worked, and I was a little more comfortable with my appearance

But I still don't understand why I felt flustered near her. We had been friends for years, and we've kept it at that. I've never had to tell myself that in all our years that we've been friends. Why do I have to tell myself that all the time now?

" _Mayushii wants you to feel happy about being you."_

The way she said it sounded like she genuinely wanted me to feel happy about being myself, about being a guy, as if it were a quality to be praised. Then you add that with the fact that Operation Baldr was all her plan to make me feel better. That sounded like something more than a normal friend would do, maybe even close friends. Perhaps she...

There's no way. Mayuri cared about everyone in the lab: it's normal for her. Yeah, she cared about everyone else in the lab equally. What she did was something she would have done for anyone else; I just happened to be one in need. Despite finally coming to a conclusion, thinking about it that way just made an empty feeling in my heart. I should feel relived...

...So why does it make me so sad?

* * *

When Mayuri's curfew came, she and I left for her Ikebukuro. Since there wasn't any cleaning or cooking that needed to be done at home, I went with Mayuri to the train to Ikebukuro. The strange thing was, no one was in this car. It was practically unbelievable. Mayuri just gazed past the window to look at the sky, almost entranced by it. She raised her hand to the glass, almost like she wanted to reach past the sky. She has done this for as long as I can remember, ever since the first week I met her. The trance continued on for a few minutes, unaware of the passage of time.

"You know, Ruka," Mayuri calmly spoke, "Mayushii's glad that Okarin is dating Kurisu."

Huh? When was she thinking about that?

"Though they argue a lot, it seems that deep down, Okarin cares for her. She's very smart, so she can talk to him about all sorts of science-y stuff."

"Y-yeah," I muttered sorrowfully, "They do seem like they were meant for each other."

Her hand lowered back to her lap, but her gaze remained fixed to the sky.

"But you know?" She continued, "Ever since he started dating Kurisu, he's been spending less time with the other lab members."

Something felt wrong. Her tone wasn't as cheerful as it usually was.

"It seems now that with every passing day, Mayushii is getting left behind," Mayuri solemnly stated, "I'm starting to feel kind of lonely."

She fell quiet again, this time, her gaze fell from the window, and stared blankly at the opposite bench. Her eyes didn't have any sense of brightness to them; they looked as cloudy as the night sky. I've seen this gaze a few times before, so I knew that she wasn't starting to feel lonely. She had been feeling lonely for quite a while, ever since Kurisu joined the lab.

There had to be something I could do for her, anything would do. She tried her best to make me happy, and her happiness was important to me as well. I wanted to reciprocate in any way I could.

"M-Mayuri," I stuttered, "I... I was really glad that you tried to make me feel comfortable at Comima."

Mayuri's silence continued, and her gaze did not change.

"I-It meant a lot to me that you cared about me," I continued, as my face started to feel warm.

"And... I care about you a lot, Mayuri. I-I'm happy that we are friends."

I can't imagine how awkward that must have sounded like. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It probably didn't do much for her, anyway. I almost decided to take it back

And then, Mayuri's head gently moved onto my shoulder.

"Thank you, Ruka. I'm really happy that I'm useful to someone."

My heart was starting to race, but I couldn't say anything. A strange feeling was pulsing both in my face and on my shoulder. A very soft feeling that was so comforting, but it made me incredibly nervous. tried to tell her that it made me feel uncomfortable, but she had closed her eyes, and was resting with a calm and relaxed smile on her lips. I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not. As I looked at her, her sweet smile gave me a strange feeling in my heart that I couldn't quite describe. It was almost like happiness, but even more so. I wanted to prop her back up, but something about the way she rested on me made me feel comfortable.

My mind was so confused and indecisive. I didn't want to know what this feeling was, but another part had an idea. I knew what it was, it was the same feeling that I had when Okabe would thank me "for being a valuable asset to the lab." It was the same feeling that I felt at Comima when Mayuri grasped my hand. I didn't want to admit it, but something inside me knew what it was. It told me what I tried to deny for the past few days.

I was in love.

"Ikebukuro, Ikebukuro."

The unsettling silence silence was interrupted by the announcer, and opening door. Frantic, I nudged Mayuri to wake her up. Mayuri opened her eyes, and stood up from the seat. A yawn was released from her mouth.

"Well, see you tomorrow, Ruka!" Mayuri finally said.

"G-goodbye," I stuttered.

Mayuri left out the doors in much higher spirits than before. A few people entered the train before the doors closed, and the train headed off for it's next few destinations.

Negative and positive thoughts swirled in my mind on the way back to Akihabara. I've never considered a relationship with Mayuri, not once in the entire time we've been friends. Besides, I don't think she would ever consider a person as feminine as me to be anything other than friends. And for all I know, this is just a fleeting feeling.

Still...

If I genuinely am in love in Mayuri, chances are I would have to bury it in my heart. Mayuri wasn't the type of person who would enter a relationship as far as I knew, and I could never ask anyone's hand to save my life. It still hurts me to think about it, but it's true. I've always acted like a girl, dressed like a girl, and looked like a girl. To ask a girl to marry me, even if it is the normal thing to do, is so abnormal and strange to me that I couldn't hope to make it happen; even if I am a guy.


	6. Recruitment

AD 2011.01.01 10:03:45:23

I gently brushed my broom against the steps of the shrine. The rhythm staying constant as I moved. Left, right, left, right. It helped get my mind off of things, like situations that would only hurt me if I thought about them.

Today was the first day of 2011, so I was asked to clean the shrine extra well. I had been working since 9:30. So far the cleaning was going well. The shrine was to be expecting visitors for the New Years Festival. We don't get a lot of of people who come here, but it had to look it's best for such an occasion. Eventually, I saw two figures walking towards the shrine. As they got closer, I recognized them as Mayuri and Faris.

"Hi, Ruka! Tutturu~" Mayuri cheered.

"Umm, G-good morning, Mayuri," I stuttered.

It's not unusual to see Mayuri come over to the shrine, but this is the first time Faris has ever come over here.

"Good morning, Ruka meow!" Faris said.

"G-good morning, Faris," I replied.

I've met Faris a few times, including the trip to Comima. We wouldn't really talk, though.

"W-what brings you here today? I inquired.

"Faris wanted to see you about something," Mayuri explained.

"S-see me? For w-what reason?" I stuttered.

"Well, I'll cut to the chase..."

"...I want you to become a cat maid at May Queen Nyan Nyan."

...huh?

What did she say?

No, that doesn't make sense. I probably misheard what she said.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't get that, would you say that again?" I asked.

"Sure: I want you to become a cat maid at May Queen Nyan Nyan," Faris repeated.

The same thing.

"You... want me to be a c-cat maid?" I hesitated.

"Absolutely, meow!" Faris replied.

Either I'm going crazy, or the world has fallen to insanity.

"B-but that doesn't make s-sense. I-I'm a guy!" I stuttered in denial.

Faris smiles, her eyes filled with determination.

"Hehe, I know that, meow," She smirks.

"Wh-why me?" I ask.

"I had heard about you previously in my discussions with Mayuri. I wanted to see for myself exactly how "feminine," you were, meow. It was one of two reasons that I came to Comima. And you are definitely the pinnacle of feminine grace and beauty, meow."

Instinctively, I blushed. I know it is a compliment, but even if I liked hearing it, it still made me uncomfortable

"The other reason is that I wanted to see how people reacted to you, which was overwhelmingly positive, meow. I didn't tell Daru, but I followed you to see how many people liked your cosplay. Though, I did have trouble sometimes, as I had to have my picture taken a few times, meow!"

"Faris as Seira Orgel from Blood Tune was really popular!" Mayuri added.

I felt a little awkward, considering she was following me. Even so, it now makes sense that she came to Comima with the Future Gadget Lab.

"In any case, you are a trap, and that is exactly what I need: a trap cat maid."

Where did she get that idea from? In the first place, what is a trap? Though, from the context of what she said, apparently it had to do with my feminine appearance.

"Traps are quite popular in the moe community, so it makes sense to add a trap to the maid brigade, meow!" Faris said.

"So, will you do it?" she finished.

How am I supposed to react to this? I almost feel like running as fast as I can, but it would be rude to Faris if I did it. I really want to say no, but I don't want to hurt Faris unintentionally.

"I-I'm not sure that's the best idea," I reply.

"Aww, why not?" Faris pouted.

"Cosplaying Kirari is one thing, but having a job as a cat maid? I-I'm not sure that my dad would approve, and I have to go to school in 5 days." I explained

"It wouldn't be all day meow; just a couple of hours. You can tell your dad that Faris asked you to do it; it would be the truth," Faris affirmed.

"I... I don't know about this," I mutter.

"Please Ruka?" Mayuri assured, "You would be perfect for it. I'll be there if you get nervous."

That reminded me, Mayuri worked at May Queen Nyan Nyan. If I did this, I would be working with her on a day-to-day basis. Now I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly didn't think this is a good idea at all, and I almost wanted to end it then and there. If I do this, the whole thing could backfire and I would be humiliated.

But if I did accept her offer, Mayuri would be happy.

Even if we stay friends forever, I still would like to make her happy.

"I-I'll try it for o-one day." I reply.

"Yay! Ruka is gonna work at May Queen!" Mayuri cheered.

"H-hold on, I only said I'll try it. I still have to ask my dad if it's okay," I state.

"Well, here's the address, if you need it. Come at around 14:30. If you have any trouble finding it, Mayuri will help you," Faris said, handing a paper to me.

With that, the two left out the gates of the shrine.

"Goodbye, Ruka!" Mayuri waved.

"G-goodbye," I muttered.

I took a moment to glance at the paper Faris handed me. Doubt and fear filled my mind, telling me to not go there. But I remember how happy Mayuri was when I cosplayed Kirari, even if it was for my sake. If I accepted the job opportunity, she would no doubt be extremely happy.

And this is why I must have no doubt doing this.

* * *

AD 2011.01.01 14:32:31:87

I am really confused as to my dad's behavior at this point.

" _It's fine, just make sure you return for dinner."_

Why would he let me do something like this? The owner of a shrine is fine with his son becoming a cat maid at some cafe? It's so contradictory that no reasoning can explain it. I don't get it, and somehow I don't think I will ever understand it.

The address of the maid cafe matched perfectly to the address on the paper. This was May Queen Nyan Nyan. Nervousness from before resurfaced three fold. Once I go in there, there may be no turning back. Maybe if I walked away, I could avoid the fear and embarrassment of being a cat maid. I wanted to do it so bad. But I wouldn't let my fear get the best of me. This was for Mayuri's sake, and I would do what I could to make her happy, no matter what it took. Even if I had to do something as strange as... this.

I was facing the back area of the cafe. Faris said specifically to come through the back door, which is probably for the best. I walked slowly to the door and put my hand on the knob. I was shaking in my knees and my hand, which made a rattling sound reverberate from the doorknob. I took a deep breath, turned the knob, and pushed.

Upon entering, I was greeted by a fairly small room, which had boxes stacked on top of one another. One of the large boxes had an unfamiliar human stacked on top. A girl in a French maid outfit, headband, and cat ears adorned on the top of her head. She held a Playbase Vita in her constantly shifting hands, with a competitive spirit in her eyes. She looked out of the corner of her eye, and paused her game.

"Who are you? People aren't supposed to be back here," she spoke.

"Well, um... I-I'm Ruka Urushibara. I-I was told to meet w-with Faris," I stuttered.

Her suspicious look was replaced with a more calm expression. She set the portable console on the box and stood up.

"Oh, so you're the person I was told to wait for," she said.

"Wait for?" I inquired.

"Yeah, Faris told me to wait for a person with your name."

Well, I guess it makes sense; Faris is probably preoccupied with customers to deal with me.

"Say, you look a bit familiar, have we met?" she asks.

"I-I don't think so," I reply.

She put her fingers to her temples, and pondered for a minute. Eventually, she snapped her fingers, her face face lighting up instantly at the sound.

"Ah, now I remember! You're that trap who cosplayed Kirari at Comima, aren't you?"

"Y-yeah, that was me," I admitted.

"Wow, you're just as cute in the pictures as you are in real life!" she praised, "It's gonna be awesome having you work here!"

"I-I appreciate the compliment," I replied, slightly blushing.

"Well, just follow me. We need all the help we can get," she said as she gestured me to follow.

I trailed behind the maid out of the storage room into a larger and more vibrant one. It had a few tables, but had no one occupying them. There were several doors, two double doors that led to the front of the cafe, one that led to what seemed like a bathroom, and one large door. Behind it was a kitchen filled with maids preparing food at a rapid pace. If I could get an assignment with one of the maids that makes food, that would be a lot better, as I can both be out of public eye, and do something I am good at.

The maid gestured me to stay here, and promptly left the room. Within a minute, she came back, but Faris wasn't anywhere in sight.

"I-isn't Faris supposed to interview me?" I asked

"Faris can't interview you now; there are a large amount of customers, and the whole staff is needed," she further explained.

So that would explain the maids working at a fast pace. The maid had went into the storage room for a second, and brought out an outfit

"Since you're interested in the job, I'm going to assign you to help as a waitress, though that word probably doesn't fit in your case," she explained. She threw the outfit towards me, and I caught it in my arms. Already, I was getting incredibly nervous.

"B-but I don't know what to do!" I stutter.

"Simple; you will pick up the customer's food and send it to it's assigned table. Also, make sure to refer to the customer as "Master," and add "meow" at the end of your sentences. You can change into the outfit in there. Don't worry, you'll do fine!," she finished, and went through.

Everything was moving at such a fast pace that my brain couldn't keep up with. I want to explain I have no experience in this kind of thing, but pressure forced my mouth shut. There wasn't any time to object. I went into the bathroom, which actually turned out to be a dressing room. I hurredly put it on, and entered the front of the cafe.

"Hectic" was the first thing that popped in my mind. The tables were full, and maids were scattering all over the place. I could see Mayuri scurrying all over the place. Was it normal for a place like this to have this many visitors?

 **Ding!** "Hey, you, bring this to table 5!" A voice shouted.

The voice was directed towards me, and there was what looked like an omelet and drink. I stood still for a second, until it registered in my mind. I took the plate and looked around. Table 5, table 5... Once I noticed where table 5 was, I immediately froze. Daru was sitting at the table, with his arms crossed. His expression looked a bit annoyed. No, I cant. I just can't.

"Are you going to deliver the plate or not?!" the voice shouted.

I can't afford to mess up. I apologized, and I hurried over to table 5, and put the plate down.

"H-here's you're f-food," I said, and made my way to the counter until a voice boomed from behind me

"Are you kidding me?!" Daru shouts, standing up from the seat. "Never have I seen such disrespect in this establishment!"

Oh no, I messed up. I forgot to call him "Master", and meow. My blood ran cold, and my eyes turned glassy. My first day on the job, and I've humiliated myself. I turned around, and face his direction.

"I-I'm so sorry, m-master, meow," I whimper, with tears in my eyes.

Suddenly, his expression shifted to curious, then excitement, all in one second.

"Wha... this is... a shy and adorable type catmaid! Moe!" he exclaimed, with a glint shining in his glasses.

He then examined me further, and his face turned to confusion.

"Huh? Ruka? What are you doing here?" he inquired.

He recognized me. I'm ruined, I'm ruined! I've got to get out of here.

"I... I... Ivegottogodosomething!" I wailed, and ran back to the counter to relax, only to hear another meal that needed delivery

* * *

The rest of the day was incredibly stressful. By the time I finished work, I was exhausted. I sat down in the resting room, and slumped over the table. I can't imagine anyone hiring me. Perhaps it was for the best, and I can get out of my mistake of wanting to work here.

Suddenly, I heard someone sit in the chair across from me. I pulled my head up, and saw Faris sitting in the chair, and Mayuri standing next to her.

"Well, if this were a restaurant, I would reject your application," Faris said, "Fortunately, the shy type of maid is quite popular among the moe archetypes, meow,"

I slump back over the table.

"I don't think I can do this job," I exasperated.

"Hey, don't worry; most days aren't crazy like how today was," Mayuri soothed, "Today was just a busy day. Despite all of that, you did great!"

Great feels like an overstatement, but I couldn't help but blush.

"Th-then that means I'm hired?" I asked.

"Only if you want to, meow. This was per request, so you can deny it if you want," Faris responded.

Perhaps that would be the best, if I never wanted to be a cat maid in the first place, but that wasn't true. I wanted to do this so I could make Mayuri happy. It wouldn't make sense to give up now. Besides, I could always quit whenever I want, so if it proved too difficult to work at the cafe, I could always do that.

"I.. I'll d-do it," I affirm, both to Faris, and myself.

I'm suddenly picked up by Mayuri and spun around.

"Hooray! Ruka is gonna work at Maid Queen Nyan Nyan!" Mayuri cheered.

A warm feeling caresses me as my body orbits Mayuri. She had such a sweet smile brimming with joy and satisfaction. It made me feel content to see her so cheerful. I'd do just about anything for her sake, even to my detriment. But I am beginning to wonder, is it really to my detriment? I may be doing all this for her sake, but is it also for my own?


	7. Furtive

AD 2011.01.02 8:30:12:13

To be truthful, the Yanagibayashi Shrine doesn't get much visitors all year. The only people who come regularly are the members of the Future Gadget Lab. However, when the calender resets and New Year's begins, a few people actually choose Yanagibayashi for their Hatsumōde, the first shrine visit of the year, which brings forth many people to the shrine.

People flooded the courtyard of the shrine, cheerful and eager. A rebirth of feeling that comes only once a year. Helping the visitors always made me calm. Families, children, couples, singles, everyone looked like they were truly enjoying themselves. Someone once said that happiness is infectious, and I can't deny that. No matter what mood I'm in, a cheerful person will always bring my spirits up. Like the one who helped me through the years.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt a contradiction occur. I tried to tell myself that I was content with how things were, but no matter how many times I told myself it was true, I never convinced myself.

* * *

After the courtyard calmed down, I went back into the house. Since it was tradition for New Year's, I prepared a meal for the family. My father always insisted on keeping to the traditions of New Years, including having family visit for lunch, and my mother agreed with him on this. What this meant was that someone I always had mixed feelings about would come here. Already, that familiar presence filled the room.

"Hello, dear sis!"

The call beckoned from a person who had a rugged personality and outfit. One who you'd think was a boy at first glance. But she is a girl. To be more specific, my tomboy sister.

"Y-yutsuko, please stop calling me that," I pleaded.

"But you look so much like a little sis," Yutsuko further teased.

"Hey, calm down you two; it's New Year's" my mother insisted.

In tow with Yutsuko was her boyfriend, who looked like one of those biker men whom you'd find on the streets. The two have been going out for a while now, but their relationship has always been an enigma to both me and my father.

"It's a pleasure to see you again, Yutsuko," my father commented.

"It's nice to see you too, Eisuke," Yutsuko returned.

My father stifled his annoyance.

"Now now, just because you moved out and have a boyfriend doesn't mean you can refer to me by my first name," my father corrected.

"He's right, Yutsuko; its impolite to refer to your father that way," my mother added.

"Aww, no fun!" Yutsuko playfully whined.

Shortly after our greeting, I prepared osechi for the family. Years of practice, albeit forced practice, have made me adept in cooking. Once the food was set, we sat down to feast.

It's been this way for a long time. Though it may seem strange, my mother never learned how to cook. My father insisted that I cook for the family, but my first few attempts left me embarrassed. Because of that, I taught myself culinary arts when I was young, and took classes in high school to improve my skills. Though I've been told that I had a natural talent in cooking, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without the classes I took or self teaching. I made sure to prepare this meal the best I could, and it yielded results.

"Mmm, very delicious, Ruka!" my mother noted.

"You really are a wondrous cook, Ruka. Not a single grain out of place!" Yutsuko complimented.

"T-thank you all," I reply.

For a while, it was namely silent, so we just sat and ate for a while. Yutsuko's boyfriend decided to remain quiet and in the background, occasionally whispering to Yutsuko. For a while, we sat and chat about trivial things, until Yutsuko brought up a certain topic.

"So~, did you tell Mom about your new job at May Queen Nyan Nyan?" Yutsuko teased.

A cold chill traveled down my spine. I didn't even think about how my mother would react to it.

"I know about it; Eisuke talked to me about his decision to permit Ruka to work there," my mother replied

"Eh? That doesn't seem like something the father of a shrine maiden would approve," Yutsuko questioned.

"It's not about approval, it's regarding favors," he responded, "Yukitaka Akiha and I first met each other after he donated an old PC to us, and we became acquaintances ever since. When Okabe came over and asked about the PC, he said we could keep it, and that helped pay off a lot of expenses."

What? Okabe asked for that old PC? Why would he want to do that?

"However, Akiha died before we could thank him," my father continued, "When I found out that Faris was Yukitaka's daughter, and she asked for my child's help, I felt it was the least I could do."

"S-so that's why you let me have the j-job?" I stuttered.

"Yes," he replied, "Though you know you could have declined at any time if you wanted to, which brings up something I wanted to ask you. Why did you want to work at May Queen?"

"Umm..." I muttered, trying to form an appropriate response.

"It's because he secretly wants to be girl that got all the boys!" Yutsuko taunted.

"I DO NOT!" I yelped.

The room became haunted by a brief silence.

"Ah, s-sorry; I-I didn't mean to y-yell," I apologized, "B-but that wasn't why I accepted it. It... was for M-Mayuri. She's been feeling down lately."

"So that's the reason! Is that also why you cosplayed as Kirari for Comiket?" Yutsuko asked.

"N-not exactly... T-that was her doing m-more than anything else," I responded.

"Well, there's no problem with that. However, I'm going to have to ask you to stay behind for New Years," my dad replied, "There will still be more visitors coming, and a fraction may choose this shrine for their Hatsumōde. I would appreciate it if everything were in order."

"U-understood," I reply.

* * *

The rest of the meal went on as it normally would, and I went back out into the courtyard. As the broom swept back and forth, the clock ticked, left forgotten. People came and vanished within what seemed like the blink of an eye. After what seemed like a few hours or so, a figure could be spotted coming towards me. That figure was unforgettable, the eccentric man I crushed on: Rintarou Okabe.

"H-hey Oka – I mean, Hello, Kyouma," I corrected.

"Rukako, have you been training with the forbidden sword, Samidare, as instructed?" Okabe demanded.

"Umm, I-I'm sorry, K-Kyouma," I stuttered, "I-I forgot."

He expelled a sigh, seemingly brushing off my violation.

"I haven't been able to direct your training, and I apologize for that, but I've had more important matters to attend to," Okabe explained.

"I-it's okay," I reply.

Something about our conversing seemed rather nostalgic in a way. Almost as if time between us passed faster than the sun's motion. Thinking about Mayuri has made me forget about him, and something tells me that his relationship with Kurisu has done the same thing to him regarding me. It felt so strange, and kind of sad in a way.

"However, I do need to tell you why I came her," Kyouma said, "I came here to tell you that the Future Gadget Lab will be going into town for Shogatsu, and you are cordially invited for this event. I expect you to come at around 16:00, Rukako."

With his finishing statement, he turned around and walked away.

As he left the shrine courtyard, I imagined the lab members together, some of which I only heard about from Mayuri or Okabe. It's been a while since I met with the lab members, and happiness permeated my mind at the thought of it. It felt nice that I could get to spend time with the other lab members, and I could imagine Mayuri would be happy for that, too. Whenever I do something out of the norm, she makes sure that I head on, not looking back. Whenever I'm honest to her and come out of my shell, she's always been accepting and kind.

But even then I'm still hiding things from her.

I honestly thought that being around her more would be satisfying, but she became an obsession to me to the point that a day doesn't go by without me thinking about her. It's a lot like my crush on Okabe, and that nearly unraveled me from the furtiveness I put on to hide my love.

How much longer will it be before I unravel?


	8. Reunion

AD 2011.01.02 15:54:31:09

I checked my phone and made sure I arrived on time, and it turned out I was a few minutes early. This would be the first time in a while that the whole lab would hang out together, by which I mean all 7 members in one place.

By the time I arrived there, Mayuri was already present with Okabe. As I walked into her line of sight, her face lit up with excitement. Her hand waved in my direction.

"Hey, Ruka! Tutturu~!" She cheered.

"G-good evening, Mayuri", I replied.

Mayuri's happiness was quite an infectious thing, and it made me smile as well.

Soon after, the other lab members arrived, with Kurisu being the last to come. As soon as the time hit 16:00, Okabe made his grand speech.

"Fellow lab members, this week sparks the beginning of a new year of chaos, and we shall commemorate this occasion!" Okabe roared.

"Yeah, sure, but how are you going to do it?" Kurisu spoke, "Most businesses are closed at this time of year."

Okabe's face then crashed as if it were hit by a cinder block. Most people spend time with family and friends during New Years, and business owners are no exceptions.

"Well, that may be true, but I conversed with Faris about celebrating at May Queen Nyan Nyan, and she permitted us to do so," Okabe answered.

"Right he is, meow! The lab members are like family to me!" Faris declared.

* * *

Once the lab members met at May Queen, Faris, Mayuri and I prepared food for the lab. Kurisu asked about helping, but Faris insisted that they didn't need any more help (she later told me her cooking skills were "sub par" in comparison to her intellect). It wasn't often that I got to cook with other lab members, and I could count the times I've cooked with Mayuri on one hand. After all the food was prepared, the three of us gave out the food to the lab members and sat down with them. Our "feast" had begun, and conversations ensued.

"Delicious as always; we appreciate you cooking for us," Okabe told to us.

"...Tasty," Moeka complimented.

"Ruka is truly great cook, meow! Maybe I should promote him to chef sometime," Faris thought aloud.

I probably would have wanted that a few months ago if I got this job at the time, but if I did that, I would have to be away from Mayuri. That may or may not be the case the entire time, but I wasn't able to let what I had be changed.

"I-I appreciate the compliment, but I'd rather keep to my normal post," I replied.

"That's strange," Kurisu commented, "I thought you didn't really like being in the public eye."

"He probably doesn't intend to stay long, Christina. I thought that neuroscience would allow you to figure that out," Okabe responded.

"That's not neuroscience; that's psychology! And would you please stop calling me Christina!" Kurisu rebutted.

The rest of the conversation soon devolved as the rest of the members chipped in. Daru would talk about his new girlfriend named Yuki, Moeka would try to text Okabe, and Mayuri would talk about her plans for new conventions. As for me, I remained silent in thought. As it continued, at took a glance at Mayuri. She was so happy and peaceful, an image that erased the depressed state I had witnessed on the train. It filled me with joy to see her so happy; I just wish I could share my feelings with her. Maybe, just maybe, I could share my how I felt with her sometime. Though for me that time seemed like never.

* * *

After the meal, the lab members began to leave. Mayuri was one of the last ones to leave. As she waved, my emotions mixed between positive and negative: happy to see her friendly, and sad to see her go. After everyone else left, I made my way out of the door, ready to head home.

And then a hand gripped my shoulder.

"Ruka, I need to talk to you," Faris spoke.

Her voice wasn't filled to the brim with cheer, but rather it took on a serious tone. Turning around, I saw Faris sitting at one of the cafe tables. Taking what felt like a cue, I sat down in the chair opposite from her.

"Listen, I made two reservations for you and Mayuri at a particularly famous restaurant in the Akihabara area at 12:00 tomorrow," Faris stated, and handed me a flier.

I thought I didn't recognize this restaurant, but an erased memory made its image resurface. This was the place Okabe took me out to on our date.

"H-huh?" I said, apprehensive.

As I looked at the flyer, I began to question why Faris would give reservations.

"W-Why?" I asked.

"For the past few months, Mayuri had been in a saddened state ever since Okabe decided to date Kurisu. He hasn't been spending nearly as much time with her, and Mayuri is beginning to feel like dead weight to him. It's been on her mind even at work," Faris explained, But ever since she went to the convention with you, she's been much more cheerful and pleasant. To be honest, while I was glad that Mayuri was happy, I thought that she could be a little more happy. So I recruited you as the sole male cat maid for 'business reasons', allowing Mayuri to spend more time with you. Flawlessly, it worked," Faris continued, "Mayuri is as happy as can be, now that she has someone close she can spend time with, both in her spare time and at work."

"But I know that one party isn't exactly satisfied with how things are."

A cold feeling quickly coursed through my body, bringing goosebumps to the surface.

"W-w-what do you mean?" I stutter.

"I know you are in love with Mayuri, and deeply so, but can't express it for fear of change in the status quo and/or rejection," Faris deduced.

I couldn't figure how to respond. She peered into my soul and called me out on what I tried so hard to bury.

"Of course, it doesn't have to be that way. You can take up my offer and take Mayuri out on a date if you wish to," Faris continued.

I remained apprehensive. I could understand her true motivations behind making me part of her workforce for Mayuri's sake, but what I couldn't understand was why she was going this far to help me.

"W-why are you doing this f-for me?" I asked.

"Because you are the best person for Mayuri," Faris answered, "You are very kind and have a sweet personality. You deeply care for Mayuri, even though you keep a large portion of that hidden. Mayuri also cares a great deal about you. You two have known each other longer than Mayuri has been working for me. I couldn't think of anyone else."

"B-but I can't, Faris. I'm too... feminine to be Mayuri's boyfriend," I spoke.

"That is where you are wrong," Faris counteracted, "Femininity does not dictate love, and it certainly doesn't in Mayuri's eyes. You shouldn't let your insecurity about it prevent you from pursuing your love with her. You may have the appearance of a girl, the voice of a girl, and the behavior of a girl, but you are a guy. I'd even defend that your femininity is not a vice, but rather a virtue. It's a crucial part of you, Ruka, and one that Mayuri has accepted, even embraced, wholeheartedly. You shouldn't feel ashamed of it."

As Faris's speech settled in, my eyes watered. Not out of sadness, but out of joy, like when Okabe reaffirmed my self-confidence so long ago.

"Th-thank you so much, Faris," I blessed.

"Don't mention it, metaphorically and literally," Faris replied, "So make sure to keep that flier with you, lest you forget part of it. See you later, meow!"

And with that, Faris reverted to her cheerful self, stood up from the table and left the maid cafe.

Wiping off the tears in my eyes, I took a glance at the flier. I could still feel my doubts about this, but I was more determined than ever to make it happen. And Faris was supporting me on top of that. Now that future with Mayuri I've dreamed about may come to fruition.


	9. His Affection

AD 2011.01.03 11:35:07:79

From behind the counter, I surveyed the customers as they came and went. Compared to the first time I worked at May Queen, the cafe was a lot more tame with the small amount of customers. Faris noted the strange phenomenon that she witness, saying that, not only were there more male customers than on a usual work day, there was a relatively large amount of female customers (about 5-6). She, of course, was happy to see that her generous gesture created the effect she wanted under false pretense.

Rumors had spread across May Queen since January 2nd about the famed Kirari male cosplayer working part time at a maid cafe, and it was the maid I met on my first day that made the connection. Needless to say, the staff was pretty surprised when they found out that I was a guy, though in a positive manor. Once the rumor spread, a few more females started to come to May Queen out of curiosity to see if the rumor was true, and the staff was happy to make me tend to them.

But for now, I was on break with Mayuri.

"Wow, Mayushii hasn't see this many girls come to May Queen as customers. It's really interesting," Mayuri mused.

"I could imagine" I replied.

"Mayushii's kind of curious about what it would feel like to be called 'mistress'," she thought aloud.

That had become a custom set by the staff a long time ago, but since there weren't enough female customers to warrant a small change in habits, "master" would often slip trying to take orders. I managed to do it correctly, though.

"Maybe Ruka could call me mistress some time!" Mayuri considered.

"Y-yeah, I wouldn't mind doing that," I answered.

Eventually, after finishing with serving her customer before break, Faris came around to the both of us.

"Mayuri, Ruka; I'm here to say that you two are free to go for the day," Faris announced, "Make sure you spend your time _with each other_ wisely, meow!"

A wink was given in my direction, and made my body vibrate from nervousness. My hands were practically resonating, but I needed to steel myself. I wouldn't get another chance like this, and I had to make the best of it.

* * *

After a short bit, Mayuri and I redressed into our normal clothes, and started walking away from the cafe. My heart was beating incessantly, but it was important to maintain my composure. I didn't know how I would present the idea to her, but I was relieved when it was Mayuri who spoke first.

"Well, that was nice of Faris to do that, though Mayushii wonders what she meant by spending time with each other," Mayuri mused.

"S-she was talking about this," I said, shifting through my pocket, "F-Faris made reservations for us at a restaurant."

I picked out the paper Faris gave me, and passed it over to Mayuri. She glanced over the picture, with her face shifting to surprise as it registered.

"Uwa!" Mayuri spoke, "Such a wonderful restaurant, and looks pretty expensive, too."

Inadvertingly, my hand went to the nape of my neck, and after a moment of indecisiveness, I spoke.

"S-so I wanted to ask you, Mayuri... I-if you'd like to eat there with me."

"Of course!" Mayuri joyfully replied, "I'd love to!"

Relief flowed through my system from her near instant reply. It made me wonder what I was so worried about. So after taking a second glance at the address, Mayuri and I made a quick trip around town to find the restaurant. After a few minutes, the building came into sight, and memories of Okabe permeated my brain. The more I thought about it, the more ironic me taking Mayuri to this place seemed. Here I was, about to have lunch with the girl I felt deeply about at the same place I was taken to eat by the man I once crushed on.

* * *

When we entered the restaurant, we were greeted at the front by one of the waiters. We told him that we had reservations, and after locating them, the waiter guided us to our table. Mayuri was slowly taking it in, visibly astonished by the scenery and ambience. But as for me, I felt awfully strange, like I was reliving a dream.

"So many choices. Mayushii doesn't know what to get!"

But Mayuri was there to interrupt that dream, and now I can live the dream I have now.

"Maybe I should just get some fried chicken tenders," Mayuri thought.

"I don't think they have that, Mayuri," I said.

"Hmm, What do you think I should get, Ruka?" Mayuri asked.

"Maybe this steak dish?" I suggested, pointing to one of the items.

"Mayushii's never tried that before. Now I'm curious!" Mayuri replied.

The waiter then came around and asked us what we wanted to drink. Considering that most fine dining beverages contained alcohol in one way or another, I settled on tea while Mayuri chose a glass of milk. The waiter penned down the orders on his pad, and brusquely left.

"This restaurant is really nice. Mayushii's glad that Faris made reservations," Mayuri said.

"Yeah, she was really generous," I replied

"But you know, It kind of feels like Faris set us up on a date. Ehehe~," Mayuri noted.

At that time, the waiter returned with our beverages. We thanked him, and then asked us what we wanted. We told him what we wanted, and he left as swiftly as before. As we drank our beverages, I tried to figure out if I should respond to Mayuri's deduction. As much as I wanted to figure out what Mayuri thought on the subject, asking her about it wasn't something I could do yet. For now, I was content with keeping the concept to myself for now. As long as Mayuri's happy with dining with me, I'm perfectly fine with that.

* * *

The entire lunch went smoothly after that, and Mayuri definitely enjoyed it. We chatted a lot, bringing ourselves up to date on each others lives. I requested to pay for the meal, despite how expensive it was. Afterwards, we made our way back to the laboratory.

"Thanks for taking me there, Ruka! I had a lot of fun." Mayuri said.

"I-it's no problem at all," I replied, starting to blush, "I really enjoyed our time together."

"Well, see you tomorrow, Ruka!" she said.

"S-see you later," I said, bidding farewell, and leaving the property.

To see things go so well made all of my worries go away. Being able to openly show my love for Mayuri, as open as I can at the moment, showed me that Mayuri seemed to have no gripes with us being close. Everything was flowing well, but there was only one thing that could make the river stagnant.

Whether or not Mayuri will accept my love for her.

No matter how much I may want to be motivated by it, the truth is that no speech could solidify the outcome I wanted. Outside motivation may help, but things like this can't happen naturally, no matter how much I wanted it to be. The only way to absolutely know for sure is if I ask Mayuri directly or indirectly. But being indirect won't work. You can't make it flow naturally enough that it won't bring suspicion, and whether people acknowledged it or not, Mayuri has a way of reading people's hearts.

* * *

At home, I laid on the bed, submersed in thought. The silence was shattered by the familiar ringing of my phone. Checking my phone, I noticed that the caller ID read "Faris". Putting the phone to my ear, I answered it.

"Hey, Ruka! How did your 'date' with Mayuri go?" Faris asked.

"I-it went well, very well, actually," I replied.

"See? I told you there would be nothing to worry about, meow!" Faris teased, "So have you thought about it?"

"A-about what?" I asked.

"About confessing your love to Mayuri," she clarified, "Eventually, you're going to have to do that to bring it all full circle. Don't tell me you forgot that, did you, meow?"

On the contrary, I've been restless the entire time thinking about it.

"F-Faris, I-I'm not sure I can do it," I admitted, "I care about Mayuri a great deal, but what if she doesn't accept my love and just wants to be friends?"

"And what if she does?" Faris continued, "Don't you love Mayuri enough to say what you truly feel for her? Isn't it worth at least knowing whether or not she will accept it?"

"I'd like to think it is, but there is no way that I could do that," I said,

"Listen, in a game of strategy, there comes a time when, no matter how well planned your strategy is, you will have to base your actions on chance. Depending on risk versus reward, you will either have to bet it all, or withdraw. Now you can risk your love for her, and the risk is staying friends and the reward is creating a romantic relationship. For all you know, Mayuri has a crush on you but doesn't know it. There's no way to know unless you go through with what your heart tells you."

"So what I'm asking is will you bet it all, or withdraw?"

It's true. Mayuri did wonderful things for me, but it was up to me as to whether we could become a couple or not. Mayuri nor Faris will make this relationship happen, I need to be the one to risk it and confess. There's no way I'll let what I've felt for her over the pass few days simply remain hidden from sight anymore. So, ultimately, my final choice is apparent, and I'm going to have to remain faithful to it.

"I...I'll bet it all. I'll confess to Mayuri."


	10. Her Affection

AD 2011.1.04 12:11:17:07

In front stood the vault-like door to the lab. Even if it's true nature was just for decor, it's haunting presence demanded those who came near it to back away, and that demand never rang more close to home than now. Once this door opened, I may never go back.

Nothing can completely rid a person of worry, though I wish it were true. I was afraid, deathly afraid of what I was about to do. It wasn't like when I confessed to Okabe as a girl. At least then our relationship made sense: the masculine man and the feminine woman. But I don't even know if Mayuri would actually consider a relationship. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that Mayuri wouldn't fall in love with a feminine boy like me.

But I was wrong.

Mayuri had been making me comfortable with my feminine personality and body since we were in middle school. Whether it would be getting me to cosplay a female character or sooth me with loving words, she did her best to make me feel comfortable about myself, both directly and indirectly. Even when I was at the high point of my gender identity crisis, she guided me through it with her gentle hand. Her loving nature was not bound by preconceived notions or norms, which is what made me fall in love with her in the first place. Though I can't say for certain what her response will be, I'm sure that it will not be tied to a stigma made by society.

With that in mind, I knocked on the door. The door unlocked, and revealed Okabe. Inside the lab, the only people who were there were Daru and Kurisu. Kurisu a Did Mayuri not go to the lab today?

"Ah, Rukako. What brings you here?" Okabe inquired.

"I-I was wondering if Mayuri was here," I replied.

"She's up on the room," Okabe clarified, "Is there something that you needed to tell her?

"Yeah," I stuttered.

So far, it appeared only Faris was the one who knew the current state of things between me and Mayuri, and I'm beginning to wonder if they've caught on or not. To be honest, I'm thankful that they haven't figured it out just yet. Faris was all I needed, but involving the rest of the lab in this would get a bit too "claustrophobic," if I had to pick a word to describe it.

"Well, you two take care of it. See you later, Rukako," Okabe said.

"S-see you later," I replied.

And with that, he closed the door.

My ascent slowly began. Every step grew louder and louder. I became more and more dizzy. But I pressed on, carrying my feet up and down in an endless cycle. Up here at the rooftop would be where it would all come together, and it frightened me. I've hated change for as long as I could remember. I've never went against the unusual status quo made by my father, and would never break the friendship I had with Okabe in the world I live in now. The one time I did break it, though, when I asked Okabe out, was when I truly went against that status for fear it would be the only time I could confess to him. I managed to summon courage that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. And now I needed that same courage to bring a change my heart begged for. Not courage that came from some false pride as a guy, but the courage that came from confidence in myself.

When I came to the door to the rooftop, I steadied my hand as it gently slicked over the cold, metal knob. With all my mental strength forwarding the drive, I rotated the knob, and pushed it open.

There, underneath the winter sky, she stood with her head toward the cloudy blue sky. She made a minute tilt, then turned around.

"Hey, Ruka! Tutturu~" Mayuri's voice rang out.

"H-hey, Mayuri," I stuttered.

She moved away from the fence and skipped to my direction. For the intent of slow transition, I calmed myself.

"Mayushii was just thinking about some stuff," she said, attempting to clarify.

"What kinds of things were you thinking about?" I asked.

She looked back up to the sky, attracted to the tranquil blue as if she were a magnet.

"About the new year. Last year was the most eventful year Mayushii's had in a long time," she mused, "Kurisu joined the lab, then Moeka, you, and even Faris all in one day! Then Okabe started dating Kurisu, and he seemed so happy. I'm glad that they get along so well. Finally on the week after Christmas, we went to Comima, and you actually went in my cosplay."

"And the new year has already got off on a big start, too!" Mayuri continued, "When you started working at May Queen, I knew that it was going to be a really good year."

Her hair fluttered against the winter wind, and her eyes shined with bliss. The fruit of my efforts reflected off her wonderful smile. Together, we fulfilled each other. Thinking back, I thanked Mayuri for everything she did for me to this point.

"Mayushii's looking forward to the pleasant surprises of the new year."

And in return, I wanted to show my thanks to her, from the heart I sheltered for this moment, with all the confidence that she gifted to me.

"Mayuri, there's something I need to say," I spoke.

"Hmm? What is it, Ruka?" she inquired.

Instantly, I froze. The words weren't there. What I needed to say couldn't be communicated, not in the careful way I always had. All I could do was let it flow.

"Mayuri... I've been thinking lately... about the past few days. When I was suffering just before Comima, I thought that I couldn't be consoled or comforted. However, when you put me in the Kirari outfit, I will admit it felt... nice to be accepted by so many people."

Mayuri remained quiet and attentive, taking in every word I said. Steeling the uneasy quivering, I continued.

"It meant a great deal to me that you cared about me so much, and I haven't felt that way ever since Okabe started dating Kurisu. Though... though... when I saw you gloomy on the train, and I felt something I had felt only once before. It drove me to be a bigger part of your life. I got a job at May Queen to be close to you, and I took the offer Faris made so that I could take you somewhere. I wanted to make you happy, and to see you happy with me."

"Ruka..."

"But... To be honest, I was fleeing. No matter what I did to make you happy, part of me felt unfulfilled. I was avoiding telling you what I really felt: what I felt when you laid your head on my shoulder, and when you held my hand at Comima. Secretly, I've wanted to tell you this for a long time. The truth is... I..."

The frigid air engulfed me in its disconsolate sensation. I pulled my hands to my chest. My heart beat frantically, and my expression became florid. Fear and love swirled into water, and clung to my eyelids. The shaking wouldn't stop. Those feelings of adoration that I've withheld were beating into my cupped hands. They demanded deliverance, and I wanted them free. Clinging to my chest, I snapped my eyes shut.

"Mayuri... I love you!"

After those unsteady yet passionate words echoed into the air, the world fell silent. The drain constricted me, and uncertainty clouded my mind. How would she take it? How Would Mayuri respond? Would she love me back? Did she see us as just friends? The possibilities stretched towards infinity in the void of my blind vision. I feared what may happen, but I needed closure. With it in mind, the world opened up with whatever future that lay before me.

To my surprise, Mayuri was smiling.

"Ruka, Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she asked.

"Because..." I stuttered, "Because I was scared. I-I didn't know how you would react. I was afraid you wouldn't accept me..."

She then wrapped her arms around me.

"Ruka, you should never be afraid to open up to me. Mayushii will always accept you no matter what."

The warm comfort of her body enveloped me. Unlike before, however, the soothing sensation brought relaxation. All at once, the repressed feelings flooded out. I brought my arms behind her back, and wept into her shoulder. Having her so close removed all the inhibitions and worries I implanted on my heart. To see – no, _feel_ – her like this was what could only be described as alleviating.

"I know I don't say it out loud, but the truth is I love you too, Ruka. The times we've spent together are very important to me, and I appreciate it when you enjoy being you. Who you are is beautiful, and I don't want you to be any different than who you are now. Everything about you is very special to me, and I love every part that makes you whole."

Those peace-bringing and loving words Mayuri spoke were something I yearned to hear for a long time. Everything she had done for and with me up to this point was because she loved embraced every part of me. She saw wonder in me that I never could. Though it may have been something merely platonic, the feeling of love was definitely there. I've been considering it for a while, but I was still unsure at the time what Mayuri thought about us being boyfriend and girlfriend.

But when we broke from our embrace, and I saw her shining her beautiful smile, I had the courage to find out. So, with determination, I asked her;

"Will you... go out with me?"

She giggled and took my hand in hers.

"Yes, I will."

The distance between our hearts was closed, and a soothing comfort flowed through. With our hands locked in each others, we gazed to the sky. The future was always an uncertain thing for me, and even from a young age I knew it wouldn't be a completely pleasant one. It had always been plagued by the insecurity behind my personality and body. There was always this disparity I saw between me and my sex. But Mayuri was there to reveal to me that there doesn't have to be one. From now on, I would integrate those two parts of me and live with confidence in myself. Even so, I was nervous about the change this love-filled action would take.

But if it meant I could feel the warmth of her hand in mine, I would be willing to embrace that change.

* * *

Thanks to all my followers and casual viewers for reading "Integral Androgynous"! After careful consideration, I have decided to pen the story at this point. All the previous chapters have been corrected of grammar mistakes and spelling errors and re-uploaded. It's been a long run, and I'm glad to see its conclusion reached. I look forward to writing more in the future!

~Digital Native


End file.
